


where this flower blooms

by 4dreamie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Jaeno, M/M, Unrequited Love, comfort is minimal but still there, nomin, someone please comfort jeno this baby goes thru a lot, sorry jeno for making u suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 07:06:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17483480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4dreamie/pseuds/4dreamie
Summary: yellow tulips which represent a hopeless, one-sided love, jaemin strokes one of the petals. yellow is a color he associates with positivity, remembrance and freshness— a new beginning perhaps.





	1. he loves me

Such a dazzling color, Jeno thinks to himself as he focuses on the bouquet of fresh, yellow tulips in his hand. Such a brilliant colour associated with such brilliant emotions: joy, happiness, optimism— the very emotions Jeno had felt and shared with Jaemin during the course of their relationship. But why must he have them now, clutching them in his hand as he waits for Jaemin to answer him, as he waits to see him for the last time?

The frown that was already etched onto his face deepens, his finger coming up to stroke along a delicate petal. Yellow, he thinks, what a putrid colour.

His empty gaze remains on the tulips. Even when Jaemin opened his door to him his gaze remains on the colour he had found a new distaste for. Jeno doesn’t glance up at Jaemin when the open door reveals himself to the boy. He can’t. He’s afraid to look at Jaemin. Afraid he’ll have this version of Jaemin permanently playing in his mind for months after. He doesn’t want that. Jeno wants the memories of him where he had looked happy to be with him. Jaemin’s glowing skin, his delighted smiles and his twinkling eyes were something Jeno would never forget. He would never forget that it was once _him_ that made Jaemin like that. But Jaemin’s delighted smiles and twinkling eyes had ceased, and now they are replaced with fake smiles and dull eyes.

Jeno doesn’t know exactly when his feelings towards him had changed, he just knows that Jaemin no longer feels the same way about him that he once did, the same way Jeno does for him still. He had first noticed the change when he had told Jaemin he loves him. Those words were ones he rarely vocalised— and, at first, he had thought that to be the issue.

_Sunlight poured through the blinds, waking Jeno from his slumber. His eyes fluttered open as he adjusted to the morning brightness, and he turned to face Jaemin. A fond smile on his face as he took in his sleeping appearance. He were facing Jeno, eyes closed and lashes resting against his cheek. Tendrils of his hair had fallen in front of his face, obscuring the lower half to him. Jeno’s hand came up to delicately brush them away. The light instantly hit his face, radiating onto his features creating a dream-like hue that surrounded the boy. It was as if Jaemin were apart of a dream himself. How was Jeno so lucky to have him by his side?_

_Jaemin groaned, eyes opening before he squeezed them shut once more. Jeno pulled his hand away from his face. “Did I wake you?”, he whispered._

_Eyes still shut, he shook your head, groaning once more as he pulled the covers over his head. “No, it’s that stupid sunlight!”, Jaemin mumbled under his breath._

_Jeno chuckled, joining him under the covers. His fingers, once again, came up to stroke through Jaemin’s hair. “It’s so early!”, he whined, jutting out his bottom lip in a pout._

_The hand he had been using to stroke through Jaemin’s hair lowered so that he was gently stroking the smooth skin of his arm. A smile graced his features— but due to the muted sunlight that was seeping through the covers Jaemin couldn’t detect the playfulness behind it— and Jeno’s hand was moving lower until he reached the hem of his top. He stayed like that for a while and Jaemin thought nothing of it. However, before he could realise what was about to happen, Jeno’s hand had found its way under Jaemin’s top and he used the pad of his thumb to lightly draw circles on the sensitive skin._

_Jeno watched Jaemin as his face contorted and body tensed as his held his breath— He wasn’t going to give Jeno what he wanted. But, his hand moved towards Jaemin’s waist, where he was most sensitive, and he saw him twitch before his laughter escaped. The pretty boy brought his hand up to cover his mouth, in order to muffle his laughter as he began to use the tips of his fingers to dance across his sensitive skin. “Jeno stop— stop!”, he had managed to say._

_Jeno ceased his actions, his hand then resting comfortably on Jaemin’s waist, and he gazed at his smiling face as short giggles still left him._

_His gaze became warm, his smile tender. “I love you", Jeno whispered._

_And that’s when Jaemin removed the smile from his face, his eyes widening as he let what Jeno had said process. Jeno loves him? But those words meant nothing to Jaemin then. He had been thinking about his relationship with Jeno for a while. Asking questions to himself such as, did he truly love him anymore? Jaemin had ignored them, of course he loves Jeno, he would think to himself. But when he said those words he wasn’t so sure and he began questioning himself again._

_“I—I love you too”, Jaemin smiled up at him. Jeno let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding before returning his smile. However, Jaemin’s hesitation didn’t go unnoticed and neither did the strain of his voice when he had spoken to him._

From that point on, Jeno started to observe him more closely. He watched as Jaemin slowly fell out of love with him and finally came to the realization himself. Yet, he didn’t do anything about it. Jeno began to feel irritated with Jamein. Why was he still with him if he no longer loved him? He had thought, initially, that it was because Jaemin didn’t want to be alone— that he were just using him. This had only added to his anger but, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to hate Jaemin. Jeno still loved him— _still_ loves Jaemin now, as he stands in front of him for the last time.

He had realised that Jaemin was just as hurt as he was— albeit not as hurt as he is still. He was still just as caring as he had been at the start but Jeno noticed the change in his expression. His gaze was unfocused and his smile was small. He spoke in a quiet voice, and the conversations they had had were mostly relating to the past. Jeno would watch him as he spoke and see how his eyes would become glossy with tears, or how, when he would recall a happy memory, his laughter would be subdued and a hand would be brought up to his chest. That was when Jeno realised that Jaemin was trying to force the feelings of his past self onto his present self.

Jaemin wanted to feel what he had felt before, but forcing himself to love Jeno again is making him unhappy and so is staying with him now. Jaemin want to end it, he knows that it’ll be right for him to, but he can’t. He’s afraid of hurting him. Jaemin don’t want that. He want Jeno to be loved, he deserves it. He just doesn’t deserve Jaemin.

He takes the flowers from Jeno, his fingers brushing against his, and he frowns. That one small action was once enough to make Jaemin’s stomach flutter and his heart speed up but now it makes his stomach upset and his chest feel tight.

Shaking his head, he replaces his frown with a smile and look up at Jeno ready to thank him. But the words don’t come. The boy gaze at him, taking in his slumped shoulders, his frown and his gaze that wouldn’t meet his.

“Je—”.

“This isn’t working out.”

Jeno’s voice is brittle. He knew. The tone of his voice telling Jaemin much more than the words he had spoken, making the tightness in his chest worse and his guilt become heavier. Jaemin knew that he should have ended it with him earlier. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to hurt Jeno and he needed time to think things through, to think about how he would have explained everything to him. Jaemin had hoped that they would remain friends after, he liked him still, he just didn’t love him anymore.

Jaemin swallow thickly, “can I explain everything to you? Please, I…”. he trail off, still unsure of how to voice his thoughts. It sounds simple right? All he has to tell him is that he wished to remain friends with him. But why won’t the words come?

“There’s nothing to explain. I know how you feel about me— _about us_. I’ve known for a long time. I’ve watched you, and you’ve always looked so… so unhappy. I don’t want you feeling like that anymore. I want to see you being happy again— like you used to be.” He smiles softly before continuing.

“I guess I had hoped you would fall back in love with me just as desperately as you wanted to yourself.” Jeno gazes up at him then. He had tried so hard not to. But his feelings were too much. He needed to see Jaemin one last time, or at least one last time for a while, for he didn’t know if he wanted to remain friends after this. He needed time to think.

“Jeno…”, he whispers, mouth downturning into a frown having seen his red eyes that are filling up with tears. “I’m sor—”

“Don’t.” He watches as Jaemin’s frown deepens and he clutches the flowers in his hand, bringing them closer to his chest. “Can I… I have a request before I leave. Would you…?” He pauses, biting his lip. Jaemin’s brows furrowed in confusion but he nods. “Do you think you can smile for me? I want to see you smiling before I leave. Please.”

His mouth opens in surprise but upon seeing Jeno’s small smile he complies. Jaemin’s mouth lifts upwards as he tries his best to give Jeno the smile he wishes to see. However, it doesn’t quite reach Jaemin’s eyes which match his. Noticing this he nods, his smile widening ever so slightly. “Thank you, Jaemin. For everything. We shared a lot of good memories together.” He agrees instantly, nodding his head as well as his smile lifts further upwards. There. That’s the smile he wanted. His entire face lights up as he thinks back on the happy memories he shared with Jeno.

“Thank you, Jeno”, he whispers as he watches him leave. Once Jaemin hears him drive off he gazes down at the flowers he had given him. It wasn’t unusual for Jeno to give him flowers more often than needed but he was always thankful for them.

Jaemin strokes one of the petals. Yellow is a color he associates with positivity, remembrance and freshness— a new beginning perhaps. He continues to stroke the petal as he wonders about his future without Jeno.

 


	2. he loves me not

There was scarcely a time where Jaemin would not think about Jeno. He was all he ever thought about. Thoughts of Jeno plagued him throughout his day and well into his night. Even where he now sat on the park bench, waiting for him to meet him, Jaemin thought only of Jeno.

He thought about the day he asked him out and how jubilant Jeno had looked. Jaemin felt overjoyed at the feeling of the person he loved, and had loved for a long time, finally noticing him. The feeling was no longer one Jeno kept to himself but a feeling that he could then share with him — the person you loved and the person you still wanted to keep on loving. 

Jeno’s smile that day was one Jaemin couldn’t forget. A wide smile that reached to his eyes. A beautiful smile? Yes. A smile he deserved? No, definitely not. It was a stark contrast to his expressions prior to that day. 

For the longest time he could only remember Jeno’s facial expressions as ones of discontentment. He had often wondered why, and upon finding out about Jeno’s crush on him he had asked him out. Jaemin was delighted to see Jeno in such high spirits after a long period of seeing him so down. 

He had wondered if he had done the right thing, he still wonders if what he’s done was the right thing, and he wonders now, as sits on the park bench, if what he is planning to do soon will be the right thing for both of them. 

Jaemin doesn’t know when the right time will be to tell Jeno everything. All he does lately is think about all the time he had spent with Jeno during the short six months they had dated. Well, six short months for Jeno, but for Jaemin those months seemed to drag by. Each hour he spent with Jeno seemed like a minute, prolonging his guilt — and for that reason, he realised that he should tell him sooner rather than later. 

At first Jaemin thought it was fun, everything had just seemed like before. The boys hung out together like they would have normally, there was nothing out of the ordinary things were like how they usually were. Everything was fine, and they were both happy. But, after a few weeks into the relationship Jeno began opening up more to Jaemin. The more time they spent, kisses and emotions they shared, the more Jaemin realised that he could never reciprocate them. 

He could never love Jeno like he loved him. He thought he could. Jeno and Jaemin had been friends for the longest time, and jeno doesn’t remember when his feelings had changed towards the boy, he just knew he felt different. The once mutual feeling of liking each other had turned into love on his side. Jaemin thought that perhaps he could share that feeling with Jeno, feel the same as he were feeling — the way Jeno still felt. However, during the six months they had dated, Jaemin came to the conclusion that his feelings had not changed towards Jeno. He wanted to make him happy always, of course, but he had realised that his feelings were more like brotherly affection instead of love. 

The time he came to this conclusion was when Jeno had told him he loved him for the first time. The two had been dating for nearly three months and neither one of them had ever said those three words. Jeno was too shy to and he assumed Jaemin was as well. 

_ His gaze became warm, his smile tender. “I love you", Jeno whispered.  _

_ And that’s when Jaemin removed the smile from his face, his eyes widening as he let what Jeno had said process. Jeno loves him? But those words meant nothing to Jaemin then. He had been thinking about his relationship with Jeno for a while. Asking questions to himself such as, did he truly love him anymore? Jaemin had ignored them, of course he loves Jeno, he would think to himself. But when he said those words he wasn’t so sure and he began questioning himself again.  _

_ “I—I love you too”, Jaemin smiled up at him. Jeno let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding before returning his smile. However, Jaemin’s hesitation didn’t go unnoticed and neither did the strain of his voice when he had spoken to him. _

Jaemin sighs heavily at the the thought of that memory. After that they had kissed, Jeno feeling elated and much lighter having finally said those three words to the person that meant the most to him. However, for Jaemin, the kiss was very different, he felt heavy. It was the start of his guilt that would only grow more as time went on. He had realised that those words he had repeated were empty, devoid of any feeling, he could not reciprocate what Jeno so dearly felt for him.

He wanted to reciprocate his feelings. He often thought about what his life would be like if he could share this feeling with Jeno. He thought of whether he could hold him without feeling this guilt eat at him every time, and instead feel at peace with the person he loves. Not only did he think this but he often dreamt it too. This feeling of being loved and loving in return, he craved it, but he couldn’t force it. No matter how much he tried it just never felt right, it didn’t feel true.

From that point on, Jaemin had tried meeting with Jeno less, or if he was going to meet him Jaemin would turn up late in hopes of him getting angry or annoyed or anything else apart from the reaction Jeno always gave him. The sweet boy would always smile and assure him that it was fine. Not once did he get annoyed with him, not once he would get angry, and he had never shouted at him. Jaemin hated him for that. Hated how kind Jeno were, how gentle he was and how forgiving he was. Of course him turning up late annoyed him, he did it nearly every damn time, but at least he had shown up. And Jeno figured that on the larger scale of things, him being late wasn’t a huge enough issue to make a fuss over. He wanted to spend the time with Jaemin being happy, and not wasting it by arguing.

Jeno had tried hard to hang on to that same reasoning for his boyfriend being late, but as time passed and days went on he grew tired. Something just didn’t spark like it did between them anymore and on the day the two were supposed to spend together, Jaemin had not shown up on time. He expected this. After reasoning with himself and looking at the vivid yellow of the tulips, Jeno decided he had had enough.

_ Such a dazzling color, Jeno thinks to himself as he focuses on the bouquet of fresh, yellow tulips in his hand. Such a brilliant colour associated with such brilliant emotions: joy, happiness, optimism— the very emotions Jeno had felt and shared with Jaemin during the course of their relationship. But why must he have them now, clutching them in his hand as he waits for Jaemin to answer him, as he waits to see him for the last time? _

_ The frown that was already etched onto his face deepens, his finger coming up to stroke along a delicate petal. Yellow, he thinks, what a putrid colour.  _

_ His empty gaze remains on the tulips. Even when Jaemin opened his door to him his gaze remains on the colour he had found a new distaste for. Jeno doesn’t glance up at Jaemin when the open door reveals himself to the boy. He can’t. He’s afraid to look at Jaemin. Afraid he’ll have this version of Jaemin permanently playing in his mind for months after. He doesn’t want that. Jeno wants the memories of him where he had looked happy to be with him. Jaemin’s glowing skin, his delighted smiles and his twinkling eyes were something Jeno would never forget. He would never forget that it was once him that made Jaemin like that. But Jaemin’s delighted smiles and twinkling eyes had ceased, and now they are replaced with fake smiles and dull eyes. _

_ He takes the flowers from Jeno, his fingers brushing against his, and he frowns. That one small action was once enough to make Jaemin’s stomach flutter and his heart speed up but now it makes his stomach upset and his chest feel tight.  _

_ Shaking his head, he replaces his frown with a smile and look up at Jeno ready to thank him. But the words don’t come. The boy gaze at him, taking in his slumped shoulders, his frown and his gaze that wouldn’t meet his.  _

_ “Je—”. _

_ “This isn’t working out.”  _

_ Jeno’s voice is brittle. He knew. The tone of his voice telling Jaemin much more than the words he had spoken, making the tightness in his chest worse and his guilt become heavier. Jaemin knew that he should have ended it with him earlier. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to hurt Jeno and he needed time to think things through, to think about how he would have explained everything to him. Jaemin had hoped that they would remain friends after, he liked him still, he just didn’t love him anymore.  _

_ Jaemin swallow thickly, “can I explain everything to you? Please, I…”. he trail off, still unsure of how to voice his thoughts. It sounds simple right? All he has to tell him is that he wished to remain friends with him. But why won’t the words come? _

_ “There’s nothing to explain. I know how you feel about me— about us. I’ve known for a long time. I’ve watched you, and you’ve always looked so… so unhappy. I don’t want you feeling like that anymore. I want to see you being happy again— like you used to be.” He smiles softly before continuing.  _

_ “Jeno…”, he whispers, mouth downturning into a frown having seen his red eyes that are filling up with tears. “I’m sor—”  _

_ “Don’t.” He watches as Jaemin’s frown deepens and he clutches the flowers in his hand, bringing them closer to his chest. “Can I… I have a request before I leave. Would you…?” He pauses, biting his lip. Jaemin’s brows furrowed in confusion but he nods. “Do you think you can smile for me? I want to see you smiling before I leave. Please.”  _

_ His mouth opens in surprise but upon seeing Jeno’s small smile he complies. Jaemin’s mouth lifts upwards as he tries his best to give Jeno the smile he wishes to see. However, it doesn’t quite reach Jaemin’s eyes which match his. Noticing this he nods, his smile widening ever so slightly. “Thank you, Jaemin. For everything. We shared a lot of good memories together.” He agrees instantly, nodding his head as well as his smile lifts further upwards. There. That’s the smile he wanted. His entire face lights up as he thinks back on the happy memories he shared with Jeno.  _

Neither of them speak, they just stand facing away from each other.  _ “Thank you, Jeno”, he whispers as he watches him leave.  _ Jeno hear his footsteps first, and then his voice, a simple “goodbye, Jeno“, but that goodbye holds more emotion in it than any words of love Jaemin would tell him. He’s close but sounds so far away that it tugs at Jeno’s heart and his eyes sting from the tears that have been begging to come. Jeno couldn’t bring himself to say his name, only a feeble “goodbye”. 

As their footsteps grow further away from each other, Jaemin and Jeno now understand the meaning of that word. He can’t think of anything else but Jaemin saying his name for the last time as he silently let his tears fall, and Jaemin repeats Jeno’s goodbye in his head, knowing that it will be the last word he will ever say to him.

_ Jaemin strokes one of the petals. Yellow is a colour you associate with positivity, remembrance and freshness— a new beginning perhaps. He continues to stroke the petal as he wonders about his future without Jeno. _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it <3


End file.
